Adoption & Fire

I have been mulling this post over in my mind for a while now.  I have been hesitant about posting it because in some ways I don’t want to dissapoint friends or family with some of the words I want to share.  I have a fear of failure and I don’t always like to share the parts of my life that are difficult on a deep and personal level.  I feel though that I must share my thoughts on this first year of parenting an adopted child because I know there are so many other parents out there who might be going through what we went through.  I have always wanted to maintain a sense of transparency on this blog so that others might gain some insight on our experience or at the least, not feel so alone in those dark moments.

This first year of parenting has been like reliving my rookie year of firefighting.  You know that you are going to love the job but most days are rough because you are trying to learn the ropes.  The more experienced firefighters pick on you and also pick you apart.  You feel like you can never live up to the expectations of the command staff.  You never feel like you have the support you need to get through the shift. And there are many, many days that you feel like a failure and that you should just quit while you are ahead.  Of course, there are the days where things do go right.  You are finally starting to understand how to work the equipment.  One of the experienced firefighters gives you a tip that helps you learn the ropes.  And to make those fire and EMS calls are just exhilarating!  You love the job but it also sucks being the new person.

Parenting has been a lot like that over these past 12 months.  Never have I enjoyed life more but never have I felt so alone and afraid on those days that were just plain rough.  All during our wait for Catherine I kept telling myself that parenting would be difficult.  I never thought it would be roses and butterflies and unicorns, at least I thought I convinced myself of that fact.  I knew the potentials of orphanage related issues and the riggers of bonding and attachment.  The agency and a few books scared the heck out of us on those topics.  I was ready.  I was ready for what would be thrown our way.  I was ready to handle the ups and the downs.  Bring…it…on.  Thinking it and living it though are two different balls of wax.

The first few days and months were extremely emotional and it seemed like all of three of us had more bad days than good days.  Adjustment to a whole new way of life is hard, especially on a baby who has no way of communication except through crying and acting out.  Catherine came out of the orphanage with some issues that were difficult to watch and difficult to be on the receiving end of.  Some of those issues we saw the first night but most of those issues start popping up within the first couple of months.  I was shocked and upset but worst of all, I was unsure of how to deal with those issues.  Many of the things she was doing she would only do around me or to me.  People kept telling me that what she was doing was normal but deep in my gut I knew they weren’t because of the extent of the problem.  If she had a normal beginning to life and didn’t spend the first few months in an orphanage, then maybe, just maybe those issues we were struggling with would be “normal.”    They just didn’t see what we saw and they weren’t able to walk in our shoes.  After a while I just stopped talking about the confusion and pain that I was feeling because others just didn’t get it.  I started to feel like we were being judged.  I wanted others to think we were the perfect, happy family with the perfect, happy adoption story.  Those were some of my darkest days.  I never felt so alone, so isolated, so worried, so confused, so sad, and sometimes so hopeless.  I can’t tell you how tired I was of hearing, ‘she seems attached to me’ or ‘that’s normal.’

Luckily we referred to a therapist who helped us out quite a bit.  She taught us coping skills and taught us ways to help Catherine integrate into this new life she had been thrown into.  A group of friends and lots of reading online also helped us sort out and work through the difficult issues.  As the months have gone on, a lot of those issues have subsided.  We still have difficult days and we still see some of those issues rear their ugly heads but for the most part we know how to handle them a bit better.  Mostly what we see now is toddler behavior and not post-institutionalized behavior. I know that what we experienced with her may not be nearly as bad as what other parents experience(d) but either way it’s a shock to watch your child in so much pain.

Catherine is a joy.  She is so funny and smart and full of life.  She can be extremely laid back but is also full speed ahead as she explores her world.  We love her to pieces and wouldn’t trade the world for her.  We have been blessed with so many new and wonderful experiences because of her.  It’s incredible to view the world through the eyes of a child and I get such a kick out of watching her enjoy the small things in life.

I wish now that I had spent more time reading about childhood development and what to expect as a first time parent.  Maybe I would have had more of a clue during those rookie days.  I am glad I read the attachment books and the articles on post-institutionalized care so that I knew what to look for when we were staring it in the face but I wish I hadn’t become obsessed with it.  I wish our adoption agency was more supportive.  I wish adoptive parents were more open with each other and not afraid to share not only the good but the bad and the ugly as well.  I wish mommy guilt didn’t exist and that I didn’t care what other’s thought.  I wish I could have made Catherine feel better faster and that she didn’t have to suffer through the things she went through those first few months of life.  I wish I had more patience, understanding and wisdom.  I wish I had experience.  But most of all, I wish I was not so hard on myself.  Only we can walk in the shoes we have been given.  Nobody can fully understand the journey we take or the road we travel.

I am thankful for those who gave me the advice when I asked and those who kept their mouths shut when all I needed was a hug and a pat on the back.  I am thankful for resources and second chances.  I am thankful for the ‘been there, done that’ parents.  I am thankful for those who believed us when we said we had some problems.  I am thankful to those who were supportive by respecting out boundaries and not giving us grief because of things that were or were not happening.   I am thankful for a new day.  I am thankful for a husband who seems to have what I lack.  I am thankful for family and friends who were not quick to judge and forgiving when I was not at my best.  I am thankful for a God who gave me comfort that only he can give.  And I am thankful, the most thankful for Catherine…a daughter who knows how to bless the socks off of us and everyone she meets.  She’s a miracle.  We are looking forward to this second year with a little more experience under our belts.

I hope that others who might be experiencing the difficulties of their ‘rookie’ year as an adoptive parent can take some measure of comfort from my words.  You are not alone and I’m always available to talk, without judgement.