Adoption & Fire

Most of you know that I have HUGE fear of flying!  I don’t like balloons.  Elevators freak me out.  Flying terrifies me.  It’s kind of funny to write that out because I fly all over this country, and I fly almost monthly and yet each time I board the plane I have to talk myself onto the jetway.

(Over Phoenix)

I used to love to fly!  Any chance that I could get, I would fly.  I had to fly to Utah in order to meet my future husband (of course I didn’t know it at the time).  And then I started developing my fear.  I can pretty much pinpoint it to my accident. I am extremely claustrophobic now, hence the fear of elevators.  I also have some control issues with whatever environment that I am in.  I have to be able to escape should an emergency occur.  Part of that comes from being a firefighter and needing to know how to escape should something go terribly wrong.  And part of that comes from something actually going terribly wrong for me on a fire scene.  On an airplane that is hurtling through space at God only knows how many miles per hour and at a 35,000 feet ,  there really isn’t any great escape routes.

Once 9/11 hit and I lost my friends and then I went and witnessed the devastation first hand, my fear blew up into a complete phobia.  I could not walk onto an airplane for a long, long time.  In fact, it wasn’t until my sister got married that I finally stepped back onto an aircraft.  I was tired of driving back and forth from Texas to California to see my family, so I decided I was going to bite the bullet and get on a flight.  That first flight was horrific.  I cried nearly the whole 3 hours there and back.  John was the only thing that kept me from claiming a medical crisis in order to keep from landing the plane early and driving the rest of the way.  But, once I took that first flight, I started to fly more and more and more.  And now here I am today with one international flight, three pretty terrible in China flights, and thousands upon thousands of flight miles in country under my belt.

(Flying to China)

How do I do it?  I have to simply say that I have to force myself to walk into my fear.  Contrary to popular belief, it does not get easier the more I fly.  In fact, I darn near get panic attacks the hours leading up to every single flight.  I actually feel a little panicky right now even writing about flying.  But I have learned to dissociate myself from the actual event of traveling on a plane.  It sounds pretty crazy to say this but I have to get my mode of thinking away from the traveling part and onto something else.  When I am at an airport, I almost have to pretend like I am not even there.  I concentrate on the people.  I talk on my phone or send emails.  I fiddle with the magazines or newspapers that I bring along (I am too stressed to read them).  I plan ahead to the place that I am going.  I do whatever I can to mentally take myself out of the flying process.  Dissociation works for me in order to get myself onto the plane.

(Flying over Russia)

Now, once I am on the airplane and that door is sealed and we have moved away from the jetway, I have to start a whole new approach: drugs.  Yes, I have to take Valium in order to fly.  My ‘fight or flight’ response is so sensitive (because of my accident) that I have a hard time controlling the physical reactions to my fear.  Those reactions are increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, difficulty breathing, sweaty hands, difficulty concentrating, and shaking/jitters.  So as soon as that panic button in my brain is hit, my body starts trying to fight.  Now, I can live with those symptoms but it’s very uncomfortable.  I have forgotten my medication on a few flights and I was a miserable wreck the entire time.  When I do take my Valium on a flight, it will take away the physical symptoms but for the most part I am still pretty darn terrified.  I have to then, again try and disassociate myself from being inside of an airplane.  Anything that I can think of to distract myself, I will try to do.  Usually going through the photos on my phone helps.  Sometimes the Spirit magazine on Southwest helps.  Trying to read the paper helps.  But mostly what I do is little bits of busy work to keep my brain from focusing on the fact that I am no longer in control of my environment.

Lots’ of therapy, learning how to retrain my thinking, and the power of modern medicine has given me my freedom back.  They have given me the ability to walk into my fear with a game plan.  Being able to fly again has opened up my world to so many experiences that I never could have even imagined.  Flying to China was one of those ‘wow’ moments for me.  Of course I took sleeping medication to get through that flight but I did it and we are home with our beautiful, feisty daughter.  The world has completely opened up to me once I faced my fears.

It’s hard to face a fear, especially one that is considered phobic.  But if you have a fear such as this, I would like to encourage you to briefly face it and then put together a game plan to be able to not only face the fear but walk right into it.  You never know what kind of doors will open for you!  My fears have changed my life…for the better!