September 24, 2009

What No One Told Me About Adoption… ⁵

by Wendy • Adoption Shmoption, Headline

A favorite adoption blog, Our Little Tongginator posted a thought provoking topic on one of her blog posts and she is asking those of us that have been affected by adoption to post our thoughts about, ‘What no one told me about adoption.’

Since I was in California when this post was published and I didn’t have the chance to write a post on this topic,  I have had some time to digest this, sort of question, this topic, this discussion starter.  I also have just spent a week with my family, which include my adoptive dad (who is also adopted from Hong Kong) and the rest of his family whom happen to be immigrants from China.

Spending the day with them and with Catherine in the mix, I had a lot of adoption related thoughts, feelings,  and emotions that started to creep into my brain.  I couldn’t help but to dwell on certain aspects of my adoption and Catherine’s adoption because all of a sudden I felt like Catherine was also a stranger to this family.  And while I know that they coddle her, and love to hold her and be with her, and enjoy her, I still feel as if she is outside of the loop of this family, just like there are many days where I also feel outside of the loop.  All of these wonderful, Chinese people are not ‘her people,’  They are her stand in Chinese family members because she is adopted.  For a long, long time, I believed that having Chinese family members would help my daughter become more comfortable with who she is as a native Chinese girl.  I never thought about the possibility that it might cause her more pain.  I’m pretty sure she will wonder what her parents look like and what her extended family is like.  I don’t think she will be able to look at our family, see the Chinese, and not mourn for her ‘own Chinese family.’  Of course I hope that she is happy, and well-adjusted with her adoption, and can feel like she truly is part of the whole family: Caucasian and Asian.  But really, this is for another post.

Me as an awkward 13 year old with my adoptive grandmother and aunt.

What no one told me about adoption…

• it is a lifelong struggle to figure out who you are
• the feelings of guilt can be debilitating
• that grief and loss will follow you for a long time, even if you have made a connection with a birth parent
• that I can love both of my fathers, I always feel like I am cheating on one when I talk to the other.
• that I would struggle to make it known to my adoptive father, that I love him and he is my dad and has taken very good care of me
• that I would struggle to love my biological father and his family.  I love them but I am afraid of hurting my parents that raised me.
• deep down inside, that little 5 year old girl wonders what it would have been like to have had a family stay together instead of breaking up and then starting that road to adoption.
• but then that tears me a part because I cannot imagine my life with out my Dad.  Where would I be?  Who would have I become without him?
• no one told me that the announcement of an impending birth would make me feel happy and yet bring me to my knees at the same time.  By adopting, I was giving no biological child, no blood line to my family or to John’s family.  All of a sudden I felt like I didn’t belong to either family, it was just John and I and this little child that would not be related by DNA.  Our family felt so final…like it was the end of who John is and who I am.  I felt like the outcast.  The ones that didn’t quite fit into the mix. It was dark and lonely place to be.  I never saw this adoption sucker punch coming but it hit me hard and I started to question the decisions we had made.  I ended going to therapy to work it out and in the end, I felt much better.  However, ‘adoption feelings’ never really go away.
• no one told me how shocking that first day with our child would be.  We were filled with happiness and fear all at the same time.  I was prepared for her to cry but wasn’t prepared for her to cry for 3 hours.
• no one told me that sometimes it takes months to feel like a mother…too feel connected.
• no one told me how painful it could be to watch your child favor another person over me.
• no one told me that adoption can feel very isolating and lonely.
• no one told me that even the very young babies coming out of the orphanages can have significant issues and that they need to be watched and tended to.
• no on told me that parents with biological children will unconsciously hurt me as an adoptive parent just by trying to give simple advice, sometimes advice I don’t need.
• no one told me not to read all of the adult adoptee blogs because they can cause a lot of anguish to an adoptive parent.  There are some great ones out there, with great advice, but I wish someone had said to limit myself.
• No one told me that it would be so hard some days
• No one told me that I would be criticized and questioned about our choice to adopt a Chinese child.
• No one told me how special I feel to have this child in our arms and to call her ours.
• No one really reiterated to us that China was giving us a gift, and she is.
• No one told me that our adoptions intertwine and we will have that bond for the rest of our life.  I hope that it will be used for healing instead of hurt or anger.  I hope as Catherine grows older, her experiences will teach me a thing or two about life as an adoptee and vice-versa.  Although I would much rather listen than to speak.
• Adoption is gut-wrenchingly painful for all involved and it’s important that each person that is involved with adoption, from whatever side of the triad, works to try and heal some of that pain.