This is the first time I’ve seen your blog. I followed it from Mei-Ling’s blog. You have a beautiful little girl.

I have had the same feelings you express here. I think the fact that you are struggling with this, it means you’re human, that you are taking responsibilty for doing the best you can by your daughter, that you realize adoptive parenting ISN’T exactly the same as parenting a biological child and you aren’t denying your daughter’s loss and needs. It sucks sometimes. I truly don’t grieve the lack of a biological connection with my daughter. I DO sometimes grieve that being a parent for me has to involve so much complexity from which there is never rest. But it DOES, and we choose it. And it is worth it. And it means continuing to struggle, reading blogs of transracial adoptees because we can learn from them, continuing to do everything we can to be the best adoptive parents we can. I hope you can find some endurance and comfort from someone telling you that you ARE being a good adoptive parent by facing the issues, and while we can never spare our children all pain, I do think that goes a long way.

I’m one of the ones that talks about loss and doesn’t offer point-blank tips. I don’t offer surefire advice.

Why?

Because each adoptee is a different individual. If I say my parents didn’t do xx properly, then some adoptive parents will rush to DO xx, sit back and say “There! I’m doing my job correctly! So does this mean that the pain will be lessened for Jr. Adoptee?”

That’s a black and white method and probably won’t work as well as we’d like it to. I’d also like to comment on the other comments.

“Race never mattered when it made your family.” True, it shouldn’t matter. And it probably didn’t – while you were still in the process. However, race IS going to matter in the view of an outsider.

This is when some adoptive parent is going to say “BUT I LOVE MY DAUGHTER AND WE ARE ALL CULTURALLY DIFFERENT ANYWAY.”

Yes, but that adoptive parent will not be a TARGET of the racism and prejudice. To THEM it doesn’t matter – or at least, they try not to make it better because it’s such an uncomfortable topic. To the CHILD it will. To an outsider, it will. And the child is GOING to face outsiders.

“Who knows the life she may have had – bumped from foster home to foster home? Forever in the adoption system?”

This comparison bothers me a lot – not necessarily what it indicates, but that we are secure enough as a first-world citizen to be able to make such a comparison when it comes to adoption. This is an issue I have been discussing on my blog since a year ago, and I might just write a new post on it inspired by your post. But anyway, here’s something I wrote in a comment:

We say “Well would you rather have died of starvation than be adopted?” … um, it’s not a privilege to be fed.

Assuming a mother can even feed her child isn’t a “standard.” It’s a basic fundamental human right to survival. It’s like saying “Is it better for a child to remained with his abusive parents?” to which the right response would be “No child should stay with an abusive parent – but to compare to everyday living standard to someone who is being abused and acting like adopting out an abused child is a privilege on the sole basis that he IS being abused misses the point.”

Is the survival standard so low that we can make comparisons such as “Would you rather a child die of starvation or be adopted”?! Starvation is very real. But it should not be the sole basis for an argument on whether or not adoption is “justified.”

It’s the same for orphanages.

“Would you rather have been kept in the orphanage?” People ask me. “Would you rather have starved? Would you rather have never received love or care?”

My response?

Every child deserves love, care, food, shelter. It isn’t a standard. Is the Western privilege so high that being adopted out (as compared to living in a 2nd/3rd-world orphanage) now a privilege on the sole basis of being adopted?!

(P.S. I am not from China. I am from Taiwan.)