September 2, 2009
Adoption Guilt 16
Before I begin my rant, I need to to share these facts with you:
- I am a white female
- I grew up in a privileged home (I am assuming that a middle class family is privileged)
- I married a white male
- We adopted a Chinese daughter from China
Why must I share these facts with you? Because these are the facts (or descriptions) that tend to be used as snide, insulting, sometimes hurtful remarks that are made in reference to adoptive parents. This is the list that is frequently used in various adoption blog writings. Most of the time when I read this list in adoption blog writings, it makes me feel hurt, guilty, angry, and many times hopeless.
There has been quite a bit of chatter recently about a transnational adult adoptee’s article in which she wrote about her upbringing and how her parents tried to form some sort of connection between the author and her country of birth. The article was basically stating that when families first started adopting overseas that they were told to assimilate that child into their new way of life and forget where they came from. Now, the line of thinking is to give the child every opportunity that they can to be involved with or connected to their birth country, their first home. Well, apparently that is not good enough either. Apparently, a parent can overdo this as well. Reading this article I felt even more confused, guilt -ridden, and wanting to throw my hands in the air! It’s like we can’t win when it comes to raising children who are not born from us, but especially those who have been adopted from other countries. Not talking about the culture from their first home and heritage is definitely not okay but now language classes, heritage tours, and summer camps aren’t okay either?
I feel like I have a lot going against me as an adoptive mom (see the list above) and it really does suck to read blog post after blog post about how I should never have adopted from overseas in the first place because the child is being ripped away from their home country. I should have adopted from the foster care system first. Because I am white and privileged, I get whatever I want. But since I ‘committed the sin’ of adopting a child from China (for my very own good reasons) I have to try and figure out how to balance her heritage in China with living in the new culture of America. And when I read these blog posts that label me in such a condescending way, I can’t help but get a little definitive. I can’t help but get a little miffed when I read how ignorant white adoptive parents are about certain topics and yet there is no mention on how we can educate ourselves a bit better, so that we can do these children right.
Myself, being a trans-racial adoptee that adopted a transracial/transnational child, I feel like I have somewhat of an advantage in raising a Chinese child but by all means I don’t have all of the answers. In fact, I would love to read blogs that not only vent about growing up adopted, but I would love it if some of the writers would offer solutions, tips, or ideas on how we can at least try to even out the playing field for a child, my daughter, who does have the odds stacked against her for racism, bigotry, and feelings of discomfort living in a mixed race family.
I want to do my best and right now I feel like I am doing the best that I can with a two year old even though I am reading some blogs that are basically saying that I am screwed because of my identity and therefore my daughter is too. But I at least want to try to do my best. In all honesty after reading many of these blogs, I am not sure what to do as AP, other than to discuss racism openly. Other than that, I got nothing. So here I sit, the lucky, white woman who had the means (by an abnormal circumstance) to adopt a child from another country. And while I have the genetic makeup that constantly seems to be thrown back in my face, know that my story goes a lot deeper than just what I am posting here. Know that I am TRYING to raise my child as loving, giving, and honest and who will embrace the American culture in which she is now a part of and will also embrace her Asian roots. I hope both sides of her identity she can have a sense of ownership and pride over. I hope I can continue to learn how to make my child’s life better.
Raising children is tough. Adoption is rough. Mixing the two together can be downright frightening at times. But I want the chance to do my best without feeling like I am going screw up my Chinese daughter just because I am a white, privileged woman. I am tired of being made to feel this way. I am working on raising her…everyday I work to try and make her life better than I had it (and I had it pretty darn good (in a non-materialistic way). I want to raise her without feeling all of this adoption guilt.
Sep 03, 2009 @ 07:17:10
Wendy, I sometimes find truely amazing at what people will complain about. I understand that it is sometimes hard to ignore when it’s you that is standing infront of the gun in the line of fire. Catherine is a gift from God, He always see’s the big picture that we do not. And He knew that before either you or John were even born that Catherine would be your daughter. She is in your life for a reason, just as you are in her life for a reason. It was not by some twist of fate that you adopted internationally. The bible tells us that there is a time and a reason for everything. Don’t let others opinion get you down. Just know that God placed you where you are meant to be. And that includes being a wonderful mom to a wonderful little girl. No matter what her ethnic origin maybe.
Sep 03, 2009 @ 07:24:46
You and I both know the real reasons behind your adoption – so you can shower your love on a child that might not have had it otherwise. Who knows the life she may have had – bumped from foster home to foster home? Forever in the adoption system? These people make these comments because they aren’t the children that never found a “forever home”, and don’t understand the dynamics of “why” behind adopting from China. You are doing a wonderful job- don’t let these people get to you. Race never mattered when you made your family – don’t let these people make it matter now. Don’t let them win.
Sep 03, 2009 @ 08:00:22
Ditto! Ditto! Ditto!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve about had it with all the adoptees that want to tell us how we are satans minions for adopting a non-white child.
Like you I look for ways to do my best and want to….only to be slapped with comments on how we never can do a good enough job because we are white and evil.
I don’t believe in “can’t”. So unless people start giving some concrete answers on how we can help our children be the best they can be in the situation they are in….I’m pretty much done reading and listening. Been attacked too many times for trying to learn. Ive come to the conclusion that most want to complain, point fingers and call names — you know, the same things that were done to them — but not actually try to help stop or work on the issues. THATS not their problem.
Sep 03, 2009 @ 08:17:25
You are an awesome mom and never forget that. Also QUIT reading those blogs. We can only do what we can and people love to sit in judgement. They need a life!!!!
Can’t wait ti see ya’ll on Saturday!
juls
Sep 03, 2009 @ 09:00:32
I agree with Julie, STOP reading those blogs. You did what you felt led to do…and I don’t see them lining up to adopt these precious, beautiful children who have no family in China to raise and love them. If they have a better solution, then offer it. But until then, shut up.
You know, I have a friend, who is Chinese. She was sent to the US from Indonesia (where her parents still live) when she was 12 to live in the US. They told her when she got there, she needed to be “American”. She became a US citizen a number of years ago…probably 20 years after coming to the US. I never knew her parents told her this until I was asking how she incorporates Chinese culture into her boys’ lives. She asked me “why would I want to do that? They are Americans.” She did say that a good friend of hers had a traditional Chinese wedding, and celebrates all Chinese holidays. She does not. So I think it’s an individual thing.
There are many very healthy adult adoptees from China who have a true understanding of the circumstances in China for the children who do not find forever families. In fact, one of our SWs with our agency is adopted from Korea. She has very healthy feelings about her adoption. She talks about how her mom always incorporated the conversation about her birth parents…such as “I wonder if your birth mom has beautiful silky hair like you.” Or “if your birth dad was good at math, too.” or whatever. Her mom even had a 3rd candle at her wedding representing her birth family. I remember when she shared some of this in one of the conferences we went to, she had tears as she was sharing. I’m sure she realizes (being an adoption SW) how important these things were…and her mom didn’t have the benefit of resources telling her “how to do it”.
It does NOT sound like the author of the blogs that you are referring to are very healthy. Maybe this is their way of coping with their losses.
I would stop reading these blogs…clearly they have issues that they are attempting to address through them.
So sorry you feel so frustrated!
Sep 03, 2009 @ 09:49:09
Since I have a sister who is adopted and I know several other people who are adopted. It is my experience they will either wonder what could have been or they do not even look back. The ones that live their life not looking back have adjusted well. They live their life as the individual that they are. They do not wish or long for. My sister on the other hand has made her life and her kids life miserable for what she thought could have been. Which I believe is awful.
I am also over weight and have been picked on and looked down upon in school. I choose not to live my life according to those people. I know who I am and know that my parents did the best they could. I believe that if you teach a child to believe and love them selves for who they are, they will not be touched by those which push their judgment upon you.
Of course I and Ken will always do anything to help, love and protect Catherine right along with you and John. So if anyone does ever judges Catherine, you just tell me and I will hurt them. (Just joking)
Sep 03, 2009 @ 12:25:13
Well, I certainly wasn’t adopted from China, but it was fairly obvious I was adopted as I didn’t look anything like anyone in my family. I didn’t care that my parents and sister had different hair colors or skin tones than I did – they were still my parents and I knew they loved me greatly. Yes, a few people through the years have made negative remarks to me about being adopted, but it never got to me – my parents had made it clear how special my adoption was to them and shared the story repeatedly, and that’s what stuck with me. That’s not to say Catherine isn’t going to have questions through the years, but you are more than prepared to answer them. Let HER guide the discussions and choices based on what SHE needs at that age & stage of her life – not some blogger with an axe to grind.
Sep 03, 2009 @ 13:08:36
Thank you Melissa. I know my parents love my sister so very much.
Sep 03, 2009 @ 16:13:42
PS I’m sorry I hope you didn’t take that link the wrong way, alot of adoptees are happy being raised by loving parents, and it’s not as if you aren’t showing your little girl her background.
Sep 03, 2009 @ 19:29:15
I think sometimes when we read something that seems to be the status quo, it ends up really only being a very small percentage of the population. Kind of like when people tell me that now that we are adopting, we will get pregnant because that’s all people hear and so it must happen for everyone. What they don’t know is the other side of the story. And actually 5% of people who adopt get pregnant (you just don’t hear about the other 95%). So think about all the stories you don’t know and they are probably too busy living normal and healthy lives to think about writing some blog about how normal their life is. We just do the best we can and fall on our knees a lot. Hoping you will feel peace about this.
(We just adopted our first child, a 1 y/o boy, from China last month).
Sep 04, 2009 @ 13:20:15
Do you get “Adoptive Families” magazine? The topic of heritage is in this month’s magazine..you can check out what they have to say at adoptivefamilies dot com/heritageathome
Hope you can find some good info!
Sep 04, 2009 @ 21:53:15
I think – for many – the wisest thing to do is read these types of blogs for a time… take what you can learn from them… and then move on. I happen to be one who compartmentalizes a ton, so I rarely feel extreme emotion about the adoption-heavy posts I read and sometimes link to. BUT I have several close friends, also adoptive mommas, who are EXCELLENT adoptive mommas, who did just that. They read, they learned, they moved on.
Sep 05, 2009 @ 05:45:51
you have a beautiful child..very pretty.
I dont know much about the issue being talked over here though…
Sep 06, 2009 @ 08:27:14
“I can’t help but get a little miffed when I read how ignorant white adoptive parents are about certain topics and yet there is no mention on how we can educate ourselves a bit better, so that we can do these children right.”
I’m one of the ones that talks about loss and doesn’t offer point-blank tips. I don’t offer surefire advice.
Why?
Because each adoptee is a different individual. If I say my parents didn’t do xx properly, then some adoptive parents will rush to DO xx, sit back and say “There! I’m doing my job correctly! So does this mean that the pain will be lessened for Jr. Adoptee?”
That’s a black and white method and probably won’t work as well as we’d like it to. I’d also like to comment on the other comments.
“Race never mattered when it made your family.” True, it shouldn’t matter. And it probably didn’t – while you were still in the process. However, race IS going to matter in the view of an outsider.
This is when some adoptive parent is going to say “BUT I LOVE MY DAUGHTER AND WE ARE ALL CULTURALLY DIFFERENT ANYWAY.”
Yes, but that adoptive parent will not be a TARGET of the racism and prejudice. To THEM it doesn’t matter – or at least, they try not to make it better because it’s such an uncomfortable topic. To the CHILD it will. To an outsider, it will. And the child is GOING to face outsiders.
“Who knows the life she may have had – bumped from foster home to foster home? Forever in the adoption system?”
This comparison bothers me a lot – not necessarily what it indicates, but that we are secure enough as a first-world citizen to be able to make such a comparison when it comes to adoption. This is an issue I have been discussing on my blog since a year ago, and I might just write a new post on it inspired by your post. But anyway, here’s something I wrote in a comment:
We say “Well would you rather have died of starvation than be adopted?” … um, it’s not a privilege to be fed.
Assuming a mother can even feed her child isn’t a “standard.” It’s a basic fundamental human right to survival. It’s like saying “Is it better for a child to remained with his abusive parents?” to which the right response would be “No child should stay with an abusive parent – but to compare to everyday living standard to someone who is being abused and acting like adopting out an abused child is a privilege on the sole basis that he IS being abused misses the point.”
Is the survival standard so low that we can make comparisons such as “Would you rather a child die of starvation or be adopted”?! Starvation is very real. But it should not be the sole basis for an argument on whether or not adoption is “justified.”
It’s the same for orphanages.
“Would you rather have been kept in the orphanage?” People ask me. “Would you rather have starved? Would you rather have never received love or care?”
My response?
Every child deserves love, care, food, shelter. It isn’t a standard. Is the Western privilege so high that being adopted out (as compared to living in a 2nd/3rd-world orphanage) now a privilege on the sole basis of being adopted?!
(P.S. I am not from China. I am from Taiwan.)
Alternate Life – x-posted « Shadow Between Two Worlds
Sep 06, 2009 @ 11:26:46
[...] Jump to Comments Note: Decided to x-post because of the comments on this post titled Adoption Guilt. This post doesn’t directly deal with comments on that post, but some of them have been [...]
Sep 07, 2009 @ 18:41:27
Wendy,
This is the first time I’ve seen your blog. I followed it from Mei-Ling’s blog. You have a beautiful little girl.
I have had the same feelings you express here. I think the fact that you are struggling with this, it means you’re human, that you are taking responsibilty for doing the best you can by your daughter, that you realize adoptive parenting ISN’T exactly the same as parenting a biological child and you aren’t denying your daughter’s loss and needs. It sucks sometimes. I truly don’t grieve the lack of a biological connection with my daughter. I DO sometimes grieve that being a parent for me has to involve so much complexity from which there is never rest. But it DOES, and we choose it. And it is worth it. And it means continuing to struggle, reading blogs of transracial adoptees because we can learn from them, continuing to do everything we can to be the best adoptive parents we can. I hope you can find some endurance and comfort from someone telling you that you ARE being a good adoptive parent by facing the issues, and while we can never spare our children all pain, I do think that goes a long way.