August 22, 2007

10 Years…Hurt, Heartbreak, Healing, Hope ¹⁰

by Wendy • Uncategorized

It’s been 10 years today since I was critically injured fighting a fire.  10 years ago today, I nearly lost everything, including my life.  10 years ago today, the life I knew, the life I was just barely starting at the age 23 nearly ended with the collapse of a roof.  With the collapse of that roof, there was a collapse in my heart and in my soul.   And though my physical body did not die, a big chunk of my  heart and soul did.

It’s hard to think back to that time.  The days and nights were filled with hospitals, doctors, medical treatments, needles, medication, pain….and more pain.  My hopes and my dreams were replaced with fear and anguish.  My mind was clouded with with a fog of depression and memories of everything that I had lost.  There were days that I wished that I had died in that fire.  I rationalized how much better it would have been for John and my family to have lived with my name engraved on a wall in Emmitsburg, Maryland than to have me alive and dealing with life long medical problems and all that ensued.  Those months and first few years after that fateful day were hell. 

I realized after my sister had spent a Christmas with me how bad off I really was and that if I didn’t get the help I needed, if I didn’t pull myself together and use this terrible experience for the better, I would surely die.  I started counseling which helped me create and start the new life that I would live.  My therapist helped me sort through the rubble of the collapse and fire damage in my heart and find the ‘things’ that were still salvageable.   

I started Firefighter Ministries which was the biggest turning point in this whole journey.  This organization, an organization that I used to help other firefighters and paramedics in pain, has been the catalyst to a life that has been changed for the better.  It’s been the light in my darkness.  And it has been open door to so many experiences that I never would have had, had it not have been for that moment in time.  It gave me a new life.  A life that has been better fulfilled and better used to serve others.  I would not be where I am today, who I am today, and what I am today if I had not taken the chance and jumped at the chance of starting a non-profit.  Because of my pain, because of the personal tragedy I endured, I have a better understanding for others who are also enduring their personal tragedy. 

You see, I HAD to take my terrible, awful, painful experience and use it to help someone else, otherwise I would have been swallowed up by grief.  By sharing in the pain of others, I was actually healing my own wounds.  I can’t say that it’s been an easy road.  I never knew that this journey would take me down the road of working in some of the biggest, most horrific disasters this country has ever endured.  I never knew that I would be intimately involved with the grieving families of firefighters who died in the line of duty.  I never knew that people would look to me to me for guidance, for help, to teach, or to pull them out of the pit of despair.  I never knew that I would be completely and utterly blessed by my own disaster.  I wouldn’t change what I went through.  I wouldn’t take it back.  I wouldn’t ask for a do-over.  And I am certainly glad that my name is not engraved on that wall in Emmitsburg.

I am so much more than just a firefighter.  I am so much more than a person who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Who I am is not defined by the accident itself but what I made of myself afterward.  Who I am is defined in my faith in a God who I sometimes have difficulty trusting.  Who I am is not defined by the title as Chaplain, or President of Firefighter Ministries, or burn camp counselor, or EMT, or Instructor.  Who I am is defined by my love for my family and how they have stood by me through those years of heartache and hurt.  I am who I am because I have a husband who was willing to walk that journey with me and still continues to support me.  I am who I am because of God’s grace.

10 years went by in the blink of an eye.  I was amazed by all that I have accomplished in those ten years.  There have been many, many days where the hurt of that day and what it took away still lingers.  There are many moments where I am ready to give it all up, where I just don’t want to do it anymore.  And there are days, just in these past weeks, where I question the grace of God.  But when I was putting together my art journaling page for today’s anniversary, I can see clearly the miracle of my life and all of the blessings that I have been granted.  It’s amazing how God will use the bad for the good, especially if we let him.  You have to turn your hurt around.  You have to use your life to bless others.  You have to keep moving.  You have to turn your hurt into healing and your heartbreak into hope.

On this anniversary I wanted to share a few of the pages from my art journal.  In my counseling sessions, I started doing this to help me express the feelings I often had a hard time talking about.  On some of the anniversaries of my accident, I would do a page to mark the day.  In a way I feel a little vulnerable sharing them with the world but I thought it would be a great way to celebrate the 10 years I have been given.  And I want it to be a testimony to the fact that we can survive our personal tragedies.  I am proof.